When we have been debating and attaching ourselves to a polarised point of view, whatever pole you were at, when the debate ends we are often left with a sense of loss. On the day I voted I experienced some kind of withdrawal symptoms because the major news and media channels stayed away from the subject on that one day. That was just for one day.
For those of us where the result did not go the way we wanted we can be left with a sense of loss not just for the fact that we did not win but that we can no longer change the result or argue the other side round. For some of us the only way we know to combat that feeling of loss is to continue arguing our point in spite of the fact that it will do no good whatsoever. This need to continue the argument is interesting and connects to our core feelings on a number of levels.
Firstly the level of anger that is being expressed by e-mail and on social media is high. This suggests that there are number of feelings at work here They are likely to be fear as those who argued vociferously for a remain vote will naturally be scared of the outcome of a leave vote. To be fearful is to feel vulnerable and acknowledging that in this day and age is less and less fashionable. Instead we use our anger to hide our fear and perpetuate conflict as if it is a rational and adult thing to do.
To be scared is one thing but to be hurt is another and there are a lot of people who have been hurt by this process both in terms of the result but also the level of the debate which has got personal, insulting and degrading at times. Once again, to be hurt is to be vulnerable and thus we chose more often express ourselves through anger.
With loss comes a sense of sadness and once again a feeling that is not one that is generally openly discussed and acknowledged in this society. Thus the need to cover it is strong and to generalise we return to anger. There is another direct connection to our anger here in that anyone who knows Elizabeth Kubler Ross model of processing will associate trauma and loss with a soon felt intense anger. Little surprise that this is happening in our society at the ,moment.
All of these assertions above are made with an empathetic heart. Seeking to understand why these behaviours are happening however it does not excuse them and some of the attacks and vitriol being expressed are not acceptable.
Blame, Justification and Empathy
When the chips are down the victim blames the victor and the victor justifies their position.
This is what is happening all over social media, where we do not hold back because we cannot see the eyes or the humanity of the person we are attacking at that moment. The leave voters are being attacked as if they are responsible for some heinous hate crime simply by putting an X in a box. In return they are justifying their position and in doing so will be seen by the other side to be gloating and lording it over them.
What neither side is doing is empathising with the position, circumstances, feelings or humanity of the other. Please remember this,
Just like it is impossible to empathise with another when I am angry and in conflict it is also impossible to be angry and in conflict while I am genuinely in empathy with the other person.
Try it. Try to genuinely see the world from the point of view of the person you are attacking. It is really difficult. Equally, if you can manage that trick by virtue of being able to see their point of view at that brief moment you will not be angry with them.
Perhaps if we were better at empathising we would not have needed a black or white, right or wrong divisive and conflict engineering vote in the first place.
Whatever our position remainer or leaver we are all in the same place now.
The Vacuum
We are all in the post vote vacuum where the result is declared but the impact is really unclear, we do not know what really happens next and what it will feel like. We all want answers and we all want certainty but we won’t get them for a long time.
The conservative party battle for a new leader will raise more questions than it answers. The uprising from the MPs in Labour against their leader has to play out and is likely to cause more confusion and uncertainty.
Once article 50 is triggered and the formal 2 year negotiation starts we will have plenty of headlines to chew over but what they really mean will take 2 years, may be more to really understand and experience.
Meanwhile if the normal standard of politics continues then everything that goes well for the economy will be in spite of the vote or because of it depending what side of the debate you are. Every jolt to the economy will be because of the result and nothing to do with the economy and, of course, nothing to do with the growing uncertainty we generate by being in continuous conflict over the result.
Where does Emotional Resilience fit into this?
My own personal definition of personal emotional resilience is expressed in two ways.
In spite of everything life throws at me I am still capable of joy. Or
A deep seated belief and knowledge that whatever happens I will be all right.
Both of those definitions are lived through having a healthy relationships with fear (we call it stress) taking care of my self esteem and being aware of my nagging inner critical voice that seeks to undermine me.
By being careful about my emotional resilience I am more likely to empathise and less likely to move into conflict and when votes go against me I am less likely to take them personally.
By taking care of my emotional health I am able to be more rational and start to make calm decisions. Decision that acknowledge the truth of where we are and look forward to the future without the clouded goggles of fear, anger and at times hatred.
By having clarity we can have calm decision making. By moving forward calmly we can join together and be come a great nation that deserves our exulted place on the world stage where we continue to punch above our weight.
